The Tale of Sir Harry
by erbkaiser
Summary: Sir Harry, Knight of the Gryffindor Table, is on a quest. Crackfic set in fourth year.


**A/N**: slightly expanded from the previous one-shot in my collection. This story works better as a standalone :)

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**The Tale of Sir Harry**

Hermione Granger, fourth year witch at Hogwartswas attempting to study in the library but was getting distracted by thoughts of the dance tomorrow evening, to which she had been asked by none other than Viktor Krum, famous Quidditch star and Triwizard Champion!

She couldn't believe he, a seventeen-year old, would be interested in her, a girl years younger than he was... it would be a magical night.

With a smile on her face she went to put a book back on the shelves, when she heard Viktor's voice from the other side. With a slight smile she hid herself so as to surprise him, as she listened to him. He was speaking English fortunately.

'Da, the bet stands,' Krum said with a laugh. 'It is being fun tonight for sure.'

'I still say you're bluffing,' a voice she didn't really recognise replied. It was not someone she knew. 'There's no way you can get that far, not with _her_.'

'I tells you, I do this before,' Krum replied, amusement on his voice. 'I take her dance, I tell her she pretty, I say she special because she see me, not Quidditch star, and I take her to bed. All virgins fall for it. I take her cherry like I do all the other silly girls, you pay me fifty galleons, Warrington.'

Hermione gasped, muffling her voice at the last minute. She could not believe what she was hearing.

'I still say you're full of it Viktor, there's just no way you can get that Mudblood bookworm to give it up. But if you can provide the proof... I'll happily pay up.'

With tears beginning to force themselves on her face, Hermione silently went back to her table, and packed her things. She rushed out of the library, and to her Common Room.

'Hermione? Oh... what happened?' her room-mate Parvati Patil asked. She and her other room-mate Lavender were inspecting each other's dresses for tomorrow.

Sniffling, Hermione told about what she heard.

'Boys!' huffed Lavender. 'They're all just after one thing... now I understand why Seamus has that intolerable smile ever since I said to go with him. No doubt he's bragging about _getting_ me already. Hang on girls, we need a little drink,' she added with a wink, pulled out a bottle of something from under her bed, and took a sip.

'Ah, that hits the spot. Anyway, the boys here are hopeless. They're all either perverts or wouldn't know what to do with a girl even if she offered herself up to him.'

'My poor sister, Padma and Ron, can you imagine?' Parvati said, taking her own sip, then giving Hermione another hug.

'Oh my... the worst match of the century,' laughed the bushy haired brunette. Parvati handed her the bottle, and she took a sip herself.

'Guess I lucked out then eh girls?' Parvati teased. 'I have a date with Harry...' she trailed off dreamily.

'Harry?' Hermione laughed bitterly, taking another deep swallow. 'Harry is so clueless... sorry Vati, he likely will freeze up the moment you let his hands slip a little further down your back.'

'Guess I'll need to use my womanly charms to make him see the light then eh Hermione? And don't hog the alcohol,' Parvati said back in a bantering tone.

Hermione took a deep swallow again, hogging the bottle. 'You know... he's like a hero of old. Sir Harry the Chaste.'

She giggled suddenly, 'you know what we should do? Maybe we should treat him like a real knight... I _am_ pretty good with the _Confundus_ charm...'

–-

Harry stumbled through the Forbidden Forest, feeling cold and miserable. Why was he out here again? Oh yes... one of Hermione's ideas. For some reason she felt that if he found the Goblet of Fire from the start of the year, it would help him get with the Tournament somehow. She didn't explain why it was in the Forbidden Forest, or why Harry had to go get it now, the night before the Yule Ball, or why he could not join the other boys in the impromptu celebration that had started in the Hufflepuff dorms that just about everyone had gone to, but here he was, getting beat by tree branches and slipping in the muddy undergrowth.

A particularly stubborn branch swept back after he pushed it away, and cut his cheek.  
'Dammit why did I agree to this?' he muttered.  
He brushed away some more foliage, and suddenly saw a bright shining cup in the distance.  
'Found it!' he cried, rushing towards it... only to find himself back at Hogwarts, facing Gryffindor tower.

A bit confused, he entered through the main doors, paying no account to the fact no one was in the hallways or on the stairs, as he went up to the Tower.  
The door was closed, and the Fat Lady was not present.  
'Open the door! Open the door! Come on guys, open the door!' he banged on the empty frame.  
The door creaked open, and Harry fell forward onto the stone floor of the Common Room. He looked up, and saw the faces of three of his fellow students, dressed all in white.

'Hello! Hello! Hello!' said Parvati, Hermione, and Lavender at the same time.  
'Welcome back Harry, to Castle Anthrax!' said Parvati, his date for the upcoming ball.

Harry looked confused. 'Castle Anthrax? But this is Hogwarts?'

'Yes...' Parvati looked disappointed... 'if you must, Harry. It's not a nice name is it...' suddenly she smiled. 'Oh, but _we_ are nice! And we will attend to your every, _every_ need!'

'Erm... so you had the Goblet of Fire all along?'

'The what?' Parvati asked, raising an eye brow.

'The Goblet...' Harry slowly said, 'the one Hermione sent me out to find...'

'Oh, but you must be tired, and must rest a while,' Parvati said in lieu of an answer. 'Hermione! Lavender!'  
The two girls rushed forward, 'Yes, Sir Parvati!'  
'Prepare a _bed_ for our guest.'  
The two began bowing, 'Yes, Sir Parvati! Thank you, Sir Parvati! Thank you, Sir Parvati! Thank you –'  
'Away, away, varletesses!' Parvati laughed, then turned back to Harry, 'the beds here are warm and soft... and very, _very_ big.'

'Varletesse? Parvati, is that even a word?' Harry protested. 'And I know how big and warm the beds are, did you forget I am also a Gryffindor?'

'What is your name, handsome knight?' Parvati interrupted him.

'Parvati, what in the name of the Founders is going on here? You know who I am,' Harry sighed.

'Sir Harry, the Chaste?' Parvati grinned, 'I am Parvati... oh, but come!' she took him by the hand, and lead him to the girl's stairs.

'No, please!' Harry protested, 'Parvati, I don't understand what is going on. You know I can't go up there. I only came back because I thought I saw the Goblet!'

'Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious,' Parvati cooed at him.

'No, look, I saw it! It's right here, it –' Harry tried to get a word in.

'Sir Harry! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality!' Parvati had her hands on her hips, in a classic chiding pose.

Sufficiently cowed by experience with that pose and tone from Hermione, Harry deflated, 'Well, I – I, uh...' he looked away from her glare.

'Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours,' Parvati said, as she lead him back to the stairs. 'We are but a number of young blondes, red-heads and brunettes... all between fourteen and seventeen... cut off in this castle with no one to protect us!' Harry was hardly aware that for some reason, the stairs did not collapse below him, and he was slowly being guided up to the girl's dormitories.  
'Oh... it is a lonely life,' Parvati continued, 'Bathing.. dressing... undressing... knitting exciting underwear...' Harry felt a huge blush creeping up at Parvati's words.  
'We are just not used to handsome knights!' exclaimed Parvati, leading him to a bed and making him sit down.

Harry tried to rise again, but she pushed him down.  
'Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here!' She looked him over, and saw the cut on his cheek.  
'Oh! But you are wounded!'

'Parvati, it's nothing, just a scratch,' Harry protested.

'Oh, you must see the healers immediately!' Parvati exclaimed. Harry tried to get up, but once again she pushed him down. 'No, no, please! Lie down!'  
She clapped her hands twice, and Daphne Greengrass and Lisa Turpin rushed in the room.

'Well... what seems to be the trouble?' Daphne asked.

'You two are _healers_?' Harry asked incredulously. 'What are you doing in the Gryffindor dorms any way?'

'Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes...' Parvati said, unsure.  
Harry again tried to get up and leave, but Parvati effortlessly pushed him back down.  
'Oh, come, come... you must try to rest. Healer Greengrass, Healer Turpin; practice your art.'

Parvati stepped out, leaving Harry to the mercy of the Slytherin beauty and the equally entrancing Ravenclaw.  
The two girls sat on the bed, and began to take off Harry's outer robe which he had still been wearing.

'_Try_ to relax,' Lisa said, as she began unbuttoning his shirt.

'Lisa, what is going on here?' Harry feebly tried to fend off her hands.

'We _must_ examine you,' Daphne asserted, as she reached for his jeans.

'Hey! Watch where you're going! I only have a cut on the cheek!' Harry yelped.

' Please... we _are_ healers,' Daphne said, and the two girls worked together to get his shirt off, then reached for his pants again.

Harry had had enough, and jumped out of the bed.  
'Stop it! This is... crazy!'

'Back to your bed at once!' ordered Daphne.

'Stop this weird game will you already! I only came back here for the Goblet!'

'There is no Goblet here...' trailed off Lisa.

'I know it's here, I saw it!' Harry rushed out, into the next room. 'It is –' he stopped in his tracks, as he realised he had run in on what appeared to be most of the girls from all four Hogwarts Houses in Fourth Year and up, as well as a few Fifth year students, and even some Beauxbatons and Durmstrang girls. They were in various states of undress, some brushing their hair, some eating fruits in a suggestive manner, most clad only in very sheer night gowns... Hermione had made her way back up the staris as well, and was getting her hair brushed by his fellow champton, Fleur, and both were wearing a _very_ sheer, nearly transparent nightie...

With a head as red as tomato, Harry walked past them, each and every girl whispering 'Hello,' as he passed them. Finally he reached a staircase... and nearly literally ran into Paravati.

'Parvati! What is Luna doing here, and Morag, and Susan, and Tracey, and is that Fleur Delacour? Come to think of it... where are all the boys?'

'Parvati? No, I'm her identical twin sister Padma,' the girl smiled.

'Oh... sorry, I didn't realise, I –' Harry tried to get past her, to get back to the stairs.

Padma blocked his path. 'Where are you going?'

'I have no idea what game you girls are playing, but I am getting the Goblet. It must be in one of the rooms here!' Harry complained.

'No... oh, no! Bad, _bad_ Parvati!' Padma said in a slightly shocked tone.

'Huh?' Harry eloquently said.

'Oh, wicked, bad, _naughty_ Parvati! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is shaped just like the Goblet. It's not the first time that's a problem...'

Harry stopped dead in his tracks. 'So it's not even the real Goblet?'

'Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, _evil_ Parvati,' Padma was saying, as she lead him back in the room with all the girls. 'She is a very _naughty_ person... and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Anthrax –'

'Hogwarts,' Harry added unhelpfully, too confused by all the female flesh on display to really pay attention otherwise.

'Hogwarts,' Padma continued, 'we have but one punishment for setting alight the Goblet-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed, and _spank_ her.'

'A spanking, a spanking!' said all the other girls elatedly.

'You must spank her well,' Padma went on, 'and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then... spank me!'

'And spank me!' added Hermione.

'And me!' said Ginny.

'_Moi aussi_,' Fleur's contribution.

'Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!' Padma was saying, a flush creeping up her cheeks.

'A spanking, a spanking, there's going to be a spanking tonight!' the girls cheered and jittered.

'...and after the spanking, the Oral Sex!' added Padma.

'The oral sex, the oral sex!' the girls cheered.

'Well... I could stay a _bit_ longer...' Harry gave up on fighting, as the girls rushed him.

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**A/N 2**: With apologies to England's best comedy quartet.


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